Grace

Ungrace. Grace. Maybe both. As a young whipper snapper I had dreams, and as a child I hoped I'd live a life that exceeds those dreams and as those dreams collapsed and the reality of real work, real problems and real world set in, you have gotten life often in ungrace. I am not even sure if ungrace is a word to be honest but its the opposite of grace here. OK? My online dictionary isn't feeling me with ungrace but I'm sticking with it. Falling from grace I guess lands you just south of ungrace.

No one ever grows up saying I am going to get divorced, lose my house, get cancer and become an alcoholic. Really if anyone does this their parents need to be smacked or better yet ground and pounded. Crushed dreams are never part of any ones grand plan. Often you end up in the valley even when out sights are set way up in the mountains. Sometimes you get blind sighted, that is just how life works.

Sometimes you have to hit a new low, to truly appreciate grace. I have hit ungrace, several times it seems. In a world that turns more upside down than right side up to love and accept someone regardless of their failures and flaws is a small breath of hope. This is something I can work on. I am not a bad person, I am perhaps my harshest critic but I can be very unforgiving to those who have shown to me that I can not trust or to those that have hurt me. I'd like to learn to deal with this better, and even change if possible. It truly gets harder to change the more 29th birthdays I have in life. There are many things I need to change, I just need to dedicate myself to finding those answers and when I can't find them I need to ask for help.

Needless to say this has been a trying few weeks. This week more so than others and I have been forced to think and do some soul searching. I have failed at many plans, often set my expectations high and fail to meet them. Does that mean I should give up, or lower my expectations? I don't think so.

To those I have let down in life I am sorry. To those that have never let me down I can never thank you enough. I love no. No homo. I had to call it, because I have some dudes that have always been there for me as well. I say this knowing that only a handful of people have this link as of now and I only publish a blog out of 100 I write. Even then I will go back and play indian giver with the ones I no longer want to be public. Maybe that is something I can change as well.